when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
