went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
