Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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