Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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