I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
