omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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