The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
