im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
