My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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