Umm I'm too high to move.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My vagina is officially offended.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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