you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
