if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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