Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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