...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
