Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
