Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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