I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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