The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
