I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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