It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
