Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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