She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
