sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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