Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
