I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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