oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
