Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
