I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
