fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
