just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
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On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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