The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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