Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
