I just pynch a tree in the face
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
