i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
