Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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