Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
