A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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