Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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