so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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