i already hear my dad disowning me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
