i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head