people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.