I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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