we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
