Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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