I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
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