Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I want her autograph on my taint
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
