I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
