i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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