remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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