he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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