70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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