Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
