Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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