Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
