Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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