i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
