I think I won the penis lottery.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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